My heart and soul desire to follow God. People in my life continue to let decisions be made by their understanding and promises that this world has to offer-money, prestige, friends, freedom, power, and authority. Inner conflict wages in me. How can a decision be in alignment with God if he wasn’t consulted?

Deep wounds persist in me from my past that I am not even aware of. But God has searched me and knows me. He is familiar with my ways. He created my inmost being and knit me together in my mother’s womb. There is nowhere I can flee from his presence. A wise counsel instructed me in this. They said I am attempting to rely on my knowledge to come up with answers.  I am keeping God at arm’s length and hiding the true state of my heart.  I am like a teenage girl who’s been through a break-up- she is hurt, sad, and alone in her room. Her mother waits outside the door longing to draw close to her daughter and sit with her in the hard, dark, and ugly. But the girl won’t let her in.

So, I heed the advice and sit with the Lord, but old habits die hard and instead of revealing my heart I ask for guidance, wisdom, and answers. Then it dawns on me- rest will not be found in figuring it out. There will always be mystery in my life, and I don’t write my own story.

I must surrender.

I surrender.

I surrender...
my need to know the outcome.
my desire to know what the future will be.
my marriage.
my child.
my home.
my idea of what my life should look like.

I surrender…
              shame.
              reputation.
              public opinion.
              my ideas of success.

And I let God in and give him control of the details of my life.
I don’t write my own story.
Rest is found in trusting the one who has everything figured out for my good and his glory.

So, as I sit in my chair looking for answers. I surrender. I search my heart and deep in the depths of my soul-there I see- a dark room with cobwebs- damp and cold and in it a little girl sits. Jesus stands outside the door and knocks. She permits him to enter. And as he enters the room is brightened and warmed by his presence. He draws near to the inner child in me and embraces her.

She is not alone anymore.
She is loved.
She is held.
She is protected.
She can find rest and peace with his protection and presence because He is wise, gracious, faithful, and worthy of her trust. He gives her rest.
In my search for answers, I found peace instead.
And here my answer is found. I will follow the Lord. 

Praise you, Lord, with all my heart.
I praise your name for your unfailing love and your faithfulness.
You answered me.
You emboldened me.
I will follow you all the days of my life.
No matter where I am your hand will guide me.
Your right hand will hold me.
Darkness will not come, because you are near.
After all, the night shines like the day when your present.
You are with me in every situation, every trial-protecting, loving, and guiding.
He knows me and loves me completely.
I will find peace in your promise.
I will wait on the Lord. I will serve Him all the days of my life.
I am a child of God. Yes, I am.

My prayer for you is that whatever you are hiding in your heart right now you will reveal to God. Surrender. I pray that God meets you there and comforts you. May the Lord bless you and keep you; The Lord make His face shine upon you and be gracious to you, and the Lord give you peace. Only when you surrender your plans and ideas to him will you truly find the peace you seek.